29 May 2006

match point

Match Point

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

I have never seen a Woody Allen film that I didn't completely love. And this was no exception.

"It would be fitting if I were apprehended...and punished. At least there would be some small sign of justice; some small measure of hope for the possibility of meaning."
~~Chris Wilton

In some bizarre, twisted, way, I completely love Chris' character. There's something so Thomas Ripley about him.

I don't know if it's the complete psychopath, or the coming from nothing and obtaining great riches and fortune through alternative means which attracts me, but I have empathy for Chris Wilton (and Thomas Ripley as well).

I've got to admit, I was cussing up a storm (mostly from the pinot noir) when Chris was having an affair with Nola. Love/lust. What are these? Nothing. Sex? Nothing. Meaningless and decadent. Meaningful and boring. Who the fuck cares? I certainly don't. So, I was a bit angered that Chris was having the affair with Nola, considering how much he was giving up, how much he was going to sacrifice. And this, only because it has been a life-long fantasy of mine to marry into wealth, so much so that I WOULD NEVER FUCK THAT UP WITH SOME AMERICAN TRAMP.

However, we see a bit of reality coming home to Chris when he discovers that Nola is pregnant. I find it so quaint that the fowl temptress begs him to "do the right thing" by leaving his wife for her. (???) The "right thing" would have been for Nola to get an(other) abortion. [Sidenote] Whores and sluts need abortions. That she has had two abortions already makes Nola extremely questionable. Lesbians and thespians don't need abortions. [/Sidenote]

But Nola had to be a pushy bitch. Salut salope! Curtain rises for Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction! I cannot condone infidelity in any form, but the greater of two evils is the jealous whore. The wife takes precidence by covenantal default. Chris Wilton does the right thing by removing the whore.

The inner turmoil of 'does he get away with it?' / 'does he not get away with it?' was nearly intoxicating. But in the end....

"I don't care if he's great, I just hope he's lucky..."
~~Tom Hewitt

26 May 2006

why are people so stupid?

My phone number is one digit away from the Government of Alberta.

If a person changes my 5 to 0, then you'll be calling the Government. Similarly, if that 0 is changed to a 5, then you call me.

So then, how is it that a person screws this up? A 5 and a 0 are not similar at all! They are not beside each other on a telephone keypad. A caller would have to skip over a second row to dial the 5.

And it's not smart people either. These callers are the type of people looking for welfare cheques, or child support enforcement, or free health care.

Come on! If you're going to be a social burden, a leech, and a general life sucking drain on the economy, at least you could figure out how use a telephone!

And this has nothing to do with the greater Cleveland cab company, for which I also get phone calls from drink people late at night.

That took me over a year to figure out. But one day, someone finally called in the middle of the day, sober, and was able to tell me which company they were calling. I googled it, and soon discovered this: take off the 4 of their area code, and add a 0 to end of the number, and presto! through the magic of the PSTN, you ring up my mobile!

At least those people aren't social leeches; they've got money and are trying to spend it to further stimulate the economy.

Whenever I see that Ohio code on the call display, I now have fun with it.

When some poor old senior calls me instead of one of the King's civil slaves, I explain that the number was dialled incorrectly. You're old! What can you do?

But when it's some welfare bum, or aggressively passive social drain, I just hang up. Or press ignore, continually sending a busy tone down the line. It's my little gift to the ignorant and lazy.

Perhaps you should have learned your abc's and 123's before dropping out of grade 4 and becoming useless.

25 May 2006

why is it?

Why is it that I not only know all the words to every song of Pink Floyd's epic album The Wall, but I can also sing it in its entirety accapella AND in character?

More from jPod:

Your stripper name is derived from the cheapest form of sugar or sweetener you have had today.

Brown Sugar
Pure Cane
Sweet Chili Pepper
Turkish Apricot
Mentos! The Fresh Maker!
Winterfresh Colgate
Small Fries

24 May 2006

"Welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host, Linda Richman"

Mike Myers, during the golden years of SNL, dressed up as his mother-in-law and hosted a television show dedicated to Barbara Streisand.

On occassion, Linda Richman (aka: Myers) would become emotional and declare: "I'm so verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: ____________, discuss."

The topic was typically some ironic vignette, or at least a twist on a phrase.
  • Hot dogs. They're neither hot, nor dogs. Discuss.

  • Rhode Island. It's not a road, nor an island. Discuss.

  • The Thighmaster. It's not a thigh, nor a master. Discuss.

  • The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basillica. Discuss.

  • Ralph Fiennes' name is neither spelled Rayph, nor Fines. Discuss.

Inside the front cover of jPod in amongst all the other text, is this little easter egg:

Cigar smoking totally looks like fellatio, and it's considered manly. Discuss.

A couple more, just because they make me laugh:

I'm not lazy; I'm aggressively passive.

If you had to choose one person in your office who would come in one morning with a rifle and blow everyone to bits, who would it be? Just remember, it's the second-most-likely person who always does it, not the first.

21 May 2006

how does a person get a job at Chapters and NOT know who Coupland is?

When in Calgary on Friday, I went to the Chapters at Sunridge to buy my copy of Douglas Coupland's new novel jPod.

I walked into Chapters expecting the larger-than-life-lego marketing display near the front. Near Starbucks. Near the middle. Near something. Near nothing. There was no display to market the book. jPod was not even on the back wall of bestsellers. In fact, I had to go to the stacks to find a copy, and there was only one copy!!

Disturbed, but not caring, I took my copy up to the cashiers. (Why does every Chapters have 15 cashier tills, but there are never more than two cashiers working?) The cashier made no comment on my purchase. Not even a beep. I suggested to her that I was expecting a display, if not fans dressed up in character. She looked at me quizzically. I told her that, for example, harry potter is less than NOTHING compared to a Coupland novel. Then she offers: "oh, him...yeah, I think I've heard of him".

I don't usually want to hit people, but when I do, it's warranted. I just couldn't believe someone who works in a book store...a fucking book store!...had no idea who I was talking about. I felt like Meg Ryan in Fox Books in the children's section when the crackly-voiced-teenaged-minimum-waged-worker didn't know about the ballerina shoe series.

I like Coupland because I like his characters. I can relate to them because they live in a world I am familiar with. Corporate consumer capital western culture. CCCWC. The new CCCP.

I now have a headache from reading. jPod is 515 pages. I started yesterday morning when I woke up. And though I took a couple of breaks for odd errands, I finished less than 36 hours later.

Not one of his best works, but very good.

Two thumbs up.

9.5 out of 10.

I'll forgive the cashier for being stupid, as long as she is from Edmonton and now in Calgary searching for a better life.

"Looking into his eyes was like staring into a well of drowned toddlers."

I am not of this world.

I am engrossed.

I am in Vancouver.

08 May 2006


Je commencerai mes leçons du français à l'Université de Lethbridge.

07 May 2006

my legs have no hair: the windy epic

For some reason known only to the political powers of Western Canada, municipalities do not salt roads in winter, they merely sand. Coming from Southern Ontario, where salt reigns supreme, I find this trend to be quite displeasing. First of all, salt is good for the environment. It is natural to the ground; that's where salt comes from. Salt also melts with the snow, as it melts the snow, and washes away. Plus, I'm certain that the auto manufacturers, if not only Buzz and the hard working people of the CAW, pay for the salt, because it rusts out cars, and the more cars that get rusty, the more cars need to be replaced, and the more cars need to be replaced, effects more money for the manufacturers and effects more work for the unions.

But not so on the Prairie. On the Prairie, it's just sand. The problem with sand is that it is not good for the environment, does not aid the auto industry, and it does not melt away with the snow.

Every spring Lethbridge becomes a veritable sand trap. The city of Lethbridge (union) workers go around with street cleaners and clean up all that sand. But if they're anything like la ville du Montréal (union) workers, then it will take 15 union workers 12 days to clean up 2 kg of sand from 10 m of street. (Which is about the rate at which this task is usually accomplished.)

Another thing about Lethbridge is the wind. I use the term wind loosely. Today's report from The Weather Network reveals the forecast to be "gusts: 56 km/h". This is always an understatement.

As I was walking the eight blocks from my flat to Mocha (where I am now sitting and enjoying Gotan Project on my iPod headphones), those gusts of wind picking up all that ^&*% sand was virtually sandblasting the hair off my legs and arms. I've likely got about 500 g of sand stuck to the product in my hair. (Had to throw that in, makes me sound all metro.)

"Gotan Project?" you say?

Yes. The Gotan Project. Believe me, if you know me at all, you will know that this is completely and totally not my style.

Roman Polanski is a world renowned film director. One of my favourite Polanski films is Frantic. Likely because Emmanuelle Seingner is fantastically gorgeous, and Harrison Ford is one of my favourite actors, based upon the father figure quotient.
(From the acting roles, not the fame, noteriety, or vast financial wealth, who would I most desire to have had as my father? Topping the list would be Harrison Ford and Mel Gibson. Bad-ass father: Al Pacino. Lady's man swinging I-don't-know-who-my-mother-really-is: Cary Grant {but if he was my father, then I would choose Sophia Loren for a mother, even if they never got married}.)
In the film, the Grace Jones song i've seen that face before (libertango) was on the soundtrack, as well as being a musical focal point of the film. I had always associated that song with the film, and as such, always thought of Paris in the 80's when I heard it. I think it's a stellar track, which is a bit odd, because I don't really care for anything else Jones has recorded.

The Sarah Vaughan song whatever lola wants from Verve's Remixed 2 release was remixed by Gotan Project.

If you play the Jones song and immediately follow it with the Vaughan/Gotan remix, you won't be able to not notice the similarity.

Having re-watched Frantic recently, and then finding myself determined to discover the song from the soundtrack, only to realise that it sounds quite like the remix, I decided to check out more of Gotan Project.

And they are fantastically stellar!
(Environmentally friendly, I am now recycling and reusing adjectives previously used within this post.)

At the mall yesterday, I checked out HMV's selection of Gotan Project. Limited. And lunático is $19!!! Lunático at iTunes Music Store is merely $9.99.

Which brings us to the final question: how much is the media worth? In this case, apparently $10.33 (factoring in HMV's $18.99 + GST less iTMS). I'm sorry, but paying more than double the price just to have the media is most often not worth it.


What would Jesus pay?

Jesus would buy the iTMS download and spend the rest on expensive perfume.

06 May 2006

M.I.-3 update

Bono said that love is blindness.

I say that love is bull shit.

(Great effects. At least Ethan married this girl before falling for her. But other than that, it's the same recycled story from M.I.-2 but with a white girl and set in Shanghai.)

I am seeing this movie for Phillip Seymour-Hoffman and Lawrence Fishburne

I really don't know why so many people "hate" Tom Cruise. If he is insane, it's a direct result from being married to that Aussie trash Kidman.

And yes, it is true: I go to movies alone. It's easier that way.

I think I just sat in a seat frequented by fat or obese patrons; the cushion was quite flat as was the backrest. Telltale signs of fat people having been seated here before me.

I like coming alone to matinees because I get to see all the other people who come alone. It's never women. It's always men. What does that say about gender roles and expectations in our Canadian society? What does that say about me?

Oh goodness. 15 more minutes until the movie starts.

Notice how the evolution of pre-show fodder has..evolved? First it was just the local radio station (in the 70's). Then it was private in-house audio. Then it was the unobtrusive slide show. But now? It's the garishly over-produced digital video monstrosity that forces me to bring my iPod and BlackBerry so that I can entertain myself while being productive.

Show time!

03 May 2006

the producer

He's a bit of an enigma. Always making me listen to rancid filthy audio clips he gets from the toilet bowl trap of the internet. But today...this one was actually kind of funny.

I think it's from the Howard Stern show.

Views expressed are not those of i5.
Listener Discretion is advised.